


ALIFEROUS

by kwuintessence



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Romance, Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25488007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwuintessence/pseuds/kwuintessence
Summary: Adj: Having Wings, Winged“I’m sorry.” Seungyoon slowly pulled back, Jinwoo’s lips are now a shade of red and his eyes on him are dark and inscrutable.A long silence passes between them, somewhere not so distant the waves roll in.It’s almost as if the two of them are halfway out the sea, alone on a dinghy without its oars, the waves growing more tumultuous around them.“I still want you.” Seungyoon was the first to speak between them, “But not like this.”Jinwoo’s lips stretch into a smile for some reason but he doesn’t feel happy and his vision is becoming hazy.
Relationships: Kang Seungyoon/Kim Jinwoo
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21
Collections: WINNER Spring/Summer Fic Fest 2020





	ALIFEROUS

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt Code: AF046  
> Prompt: Yoon having a crush on Jinu and wanting to confess and all the clumsy shenanigans he'll do to do it.  
> ** Please note that per my discussion with the person who submitted this prompt, the story line has shifted. 
> 
> I haven’t written anything in a long time and even putting down the first word and completing the first sentence of this story was a challenge. I paused so many times to ask myself, ‘how do I write this?’ or ‘will readers understand what I’m trying to convey?’. Anyhow, it was a strange feeling that I can’t describe but having started once again made me realize that I actually love writing more than I ever acknowledged.
> 
> So, this is a new beginning for me. I finished this story with over 27K words but kept switching things around and did a lot of deleting bringing it down to almost 19K. Was not expecting that at all because I went into this thinking I’d be lucky if I can even manage to write between 3K-5K.
> 
> I was going to write a story for the prompt that featured time traveling but as I got closer to the actual writing process, I just went with something simple and let the story and my characters take me where they needed to go. I think that out of all the stories I’ve ever written, this one made me struggle the most because once I decided that I was gonna write, everything just came rushing out. At times, I sat there lost in thought and overwhelmed but there were also times when I got stuck and couldn’t decide which direction to take.
> 
> I’m really glad I decided to join this Fic Ex and I am very fortunate that the person I’m writing this for told me to just write whatever I want. It’s really that push that got me writing so much again after such a long time. We meet people for a reason and I think I met the person who submitted this prompt so that I can have the courage and the reason to start again.
> 
> Life doesn't slow down and time runs out much faster than we think. Hearts break and bones become fragile. With every atom in your body, live right now. You will be okay no matter how things work out.

  
  


Beads of sweat glistened on Kang Seungyoon’s brow as the hot summer sun beat relentlessly on his back. His complexion showed his exhaustion, the pale skin on his face and ears tinged a rosy hue. He wasn’t by any means out of shape but it has been quite a while since he last went for a run. His mismatched running shoes slap furiously against the hot pavement, propelling him forward and well into his next mile.

He couldn’t get him, _Kim Jinwoo_ , out of his mind. Not even if he tried. It had been that way since the first time he laid eyes on him.

Seungyoon stopped in his tracks, hands falling to his knees as he bent forward and filled his lungs with much needed air.

_Just how many years has he felt this way about him?_

As if in response, the sun glared through clouds of white as he straightened his back and an occasional breeze ruffled his sweat dampened locks.

 **“What should I do?”** he muttered under his breath, **“I don't want anyone else but you.”**

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back to feel the warmth of the sun on his face - his thoughts instantly wandered back to him again, as usual.

_Those brown doe eyes of his. Seriously._

Calling the fondness Seungyoon has for him as a _‘crush’_ is an extreme understatement. 

**“Kim Jinwoo, you terrible good looking idiot!! Can't you see that I like you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much?!!”**

He couldn't help but erupt in laughter after he’d said that, earning him a wary glance from a startled female passer-by walking a tan-colored chihuahua on a leash.

_He just can’t seem to win when it comes to Kim Jinwoo._

Seungyoon nods awkwardly to acknowledge her, his face heating up. He didn't realize he had an audience, even if only one. She stared at him for a few seconds then suddenly picked up the dog and started running away.

.

.

.

**“Oh. You're back earlier than I thought.”**

The smell of toast, coffee, and bacon greets him as he steps inside the humble abode he shared with his longtime friend, _Lee Seunghoon._

**“I’m cooking eggs after this. How do you want yours?”**

Seungyoon slips out of his running shoes, returning them to the shoe cupboard by the front door. The TV is on and there is something on the news about the stock market.

**“Is sunny side-up okay or do you want them scrambled?”**

He steps into the kitchen, glancing at the greased pan sitting on the stove. Beside it was a plate of just fried bacon on top of a folded paper towel.

**“Can you please respond when I talk to you?”**

There’s a hint of annoyance at the end of Seunghoon’s tone and Seungyoon knew that it's best he did not ignore it.

**“I’m not hungry, hyung.”**

The stove is turned off and its blue flames are snuffed out.

**“I didn’t ask if you are.”**

The fridge door is opened and after some rummaging it is closed again.

**“Sit down, Seungyoon-ah. You’re to eat everything I put on your plate.”**

.

.

.

The start of the meal was awkward with only one of them actively partaking. Metal utensils lightly scrape against dollar-store bought ceramic as bacon, eggs, and toast are sliced together before disappearing into one’s gaping mouth. Seungyoon watches the glass of juice in front of him as it ripples with every little vibration.

**“Eat.”**

The command was followed with the other diner’s foot intentionally colliding with his from under the table, literally prodding Seungyoon to pick up his fork.

 **“Such a tyrant.”** He mutters under his breath as his fork stabs a well-cooked piece of bacon.

The diner across him smirks behind the rim of his coffee mug knowing fully well that this is a battle that he has won.

**“Did you talk to Jinwoo-hyung again about it?”**

Seungyoon shakes his head slightly, a piece of bacon disappears into his mouth.

 **“He’s not getting any younger and we aren’t either.”** Seunghoon continued, he grabbed a piece of toast and placed it on Seungyoon's plate. **“It's not surprising that his parents are trying to convince him to settle down already.”**

It was a hard pill to swallow. He wants to be the one beside Jinwoo in a world that tells him he shouldn't and it's as simple and complicated as that.

**“Yoon-ah, what do you think about going back to Busan?”**

Seungyoon popped the yolk of the egg with his fork and it created a yellow river on his plate.

**“It’s about time that you start thinking about yourself and your future. Your mom is living by herself there. Aren’t you worried?”**

Of course, he is. She’s the only family he has left. At the same time, he thinks about the conversation that they had many years ago, just before he moved to Seoul. She let him go and encouraged him to follow his dream and even to this day, she remains unceasing.

 **“When Jinwoo-hyung gets married…”** Seunghoon’s tone got lower. **“That’s it. Game over.”**

.

.

* * *

.

.

**“Hey, are you really sure about this?”**

_Song Mino_ eyes the extremely good looking young man in front of him who was busying himself with some paint brushes. He was forcefully trying to cram them all into one container.

**“Would I be here helping you pack up this place if I wasn’t?”**

His response makes Mino’s lips instantly curve into a grin.

**“Just making sure. I don’t want to cause any trouble for my favorite, hyung.”**

By now the young man has moved on to chucking used paint tubes into a box. 

**“The room you're moving into isn't as big as this one but it has a small balcony with a nice view of the city since my place is up a hill.”**

The young man paused, his gaze falling to the lone window of the soon to be vacant room.

Over the past year, Mino's artwork has changed drastically. The canvases laying around in the very room they are in are almost devoid of color and many remain unfinished. The subject in each one turned grayer and darker as his inspiration dried up until one day he picked up his brush and nothing came at all.

Mino felt restless about it. He recalled the times when he tried to will himself to paint until daylight but his canvas remained almost empty, as if reflecting his own emotional state.

 **“Mino-ya…”** the young man gently wrapped his fingers around Mino's wrist, stopping his train of thought, **“...even if you work hard until you go crazy, there will still be someone out there that will tell you that your work is crap.”**

Mino’s eyes fell on a canvas leaning against the wall. There was a splash of bold and bright red in its center and nothing else.

**“But your vision and your work isn’t about pleasing them. It’s about you conveying to others what you think, what you feel, and how you see the world.”**

_Red_ \- he read somewhere, is the color of _fire and blood._ Mino got up that morning thinking about painting something new so he picked out the biggest canvas he had. But his motivation left him just as he started and now the canvas seemed to stare back at him, holding no heat, like a carcass - long since dying.

**“You’re only human. You’ll get tired, you’ll get frustrated, and you’ll get angry. But being human also means that you have a heart that’s built to survive.”**

A sunset suddenly came to Mino’s mind. In all shades of red.

The sun will be painted in shining gold, brilliant like a crown that seems to sit atop the brightest of flames.

 **“So, take a rest and hang in there a little longer and if you need someone…”** Mino's eyes met his, slightly cautious. **“...I’ll be there.”**

A light bubbling emotion makes his chest swell. Mino had to bite down on his lip that seemed to just want to stretch until they reached the corner of his eyes.

 **“** **You're too good to me. What would you do if I fall in love with you? Will you take responsibility, Jinwoo-hyung?”**

.

.

.

The bar was packed with every inch of it crammed with people and the haze of thick cigarette smoke mixed with the tang of alcohol hung in the air. Jinwoo watched as Mino took another shot, the cigarette he was smoking earlier has burned out on its own and is now left forgotten on the bar counter.

**“Is it always this busy?”**

The music was so loud that it drowned his voice out. Jinwoo moves closer to Mino and repeats his question, speaking much louder this time.

 **“Nah! This is still pretty tame!”** Mino shouts back, grabbing another shot of vodka and pushing it towards Jinwoo’s chest.

He takes the drink from Mino's hand. He could drink well but tonight he wanted to keep a clear head so he placed it down on the counter and motioned for the bartender to take it away.

 **“What a waste. You don't like it?”** Mino slaps the counter then leans forward and yells in his ear. **“I want to drink some whiskey next. Join me, yeah?!”**

Jinwoo sighed while looking at his reddening face.

The bartender came over and poured them each a generous serving. Mino takes out a crumpled packet of cigarettes under his pocket, places his last cigarette between his lips and lights it. The fog the cigarette created in front of his face gave him an almost mysterious vibe.

 **“Got someone on your mind?”** Mino looked at him with a knowing smile.

Jinwoo didn’t answer. _The hardest addiction to overcome are people._ Turning away from Mino, he gave the amber liquid in his glass a good swirl.

**“Does the moon stand a chance against the sun?”**

Mino cupped his ear, **“The what?”**

Raising the shot glass to his lips, Jinwoo emptied it in one swig and felt a light burn at the back of his throat as it went down.

Glancing at Mino from the corner of his eyes, Jinwoo got off the bar stool. **“I need to make a call.”**

.

.

.

It was apparent that the two of them ended up somewhere seedy. The neon sign above him flickers garishly and the muffled bass from the hole in the wall that he just came out of could be heard outside.

Jinwoo started walking towards the nearest alley, away from the people queued outside the bar. It got darker as he walked further, seedy looking characters loomed in the shadows, their eyes following his every move.

When he finally reached the alley, he took his phone out of his pocket. For a moment, Jinwoo hesitated. Not quite sure about what he should say once he gets the person he intends to talk to on the phone. He tried to keep busy the past few days trying to distract himself and not think about that person but it didn't really work.

He presses the device into his ear, growing more nervous with each ring. Jinwoo almost thought that he wouldn't pick up and that he would be redirected to his voicemail again when he heard a light click and some muffled background noise.

**“Seungyoonie, it's me.”**

Jinwoo bites into his bottom lip. Curious and somewhat nervous about how Seungyoon will respond but he doesn't.

**“I haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing these days?”**

It's been almost two weeks. The longest Jinwoo has gone without seeing him since five years ago when Seungyoon also moved to Seoul.

 **“Don't feel like talking? I guess you're still mad at me.”** The alley he’s in seemed unscrupulous and downright dirty. Jinwoo lowered his gaze, kicking away a wayward plastic wrapper on the ground that he couldn't identify.

 **“I thought about texting you, but the words wouldn't come. I have so much I want to tell you but I don't know how to put them to words.”** He smiled tightly and pressed on. **“It's different when you're around, you always seem to know what I want to say, as if you're reading my mind.”**

The streetlight in the alley flickers and Jinwoo straightens his back against the wall. He shouldn't keep his guard down in such a place even for a second.

 **“I'm out somewhere with a friend.”** he said tentatively, **“But I can't help but think about you.”**

Jinwoo wasn't sure about how much he should say but Seungyoon wasn't talking to him at all and what he wanted more than anything is to have him back in his life as usual.

**“The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you talk.”**

Jinwoo clenched the device in his hand even tighter.

**“I admit it.”**

Taking a deep breath of the night's stifling warm air, he let the words go.

**“I miss you.”**

Having told Seungyoon something that he was always very careful not to show. Jinwoo wonders briefly about Seungyoon’s reaction on the other line. After all, it's only the dark that knows a side of him that no one will ever learn about.

 **“I'm not going to keep you on the phone much longer.”** Jinwoo sighed, disappointed that he didn't even get to hear Seungyoon’s voice. **“Please call me when you're not mad at me anymore. I’ll wait.”**

There was an abrupt click and the line disconnected. A faint breeze stirred the trees that lined the sidewalk that was bathed with artificial light.

He stared at Seungyoon’s name and number on his phone.

Tonight Jinwoo will keep a _little fire_ burning.

However small. However hidden.

And it will keep him up all night.

.

.

.

It was the second time that night that Seunghoon noticed Seungyoon's phone on the coffee table ringing. The first time it happened, Seunghoon checked the caller ID then declined the call and had it redirect to voicemail but the caller did not leave a message. Now that it's ringing again, he stared at the caller ID, a strained expression on his face.

 **“Phone…”** Seungyoon whispered from the couch where he had been laying on since he came back after a long work day. His eyes are so heavy with sleep that he could barely keep them open.

Seunghoon silences the phone and shushes him back to dreamland, feeling relieved when Seungyoon burrows deeper into the blanket that he laid over him. When he glanced over at the phone again, it showed that the caller had not given up and so the phone continued to ring despite being muted.

He didn’t know what exactly came over him and prompted him to do it. Maybe it was his curiosity getting the best of him or maybe it was something more.

 **“Seungyoon-ah, it's me.”** Jinwoo’s voice was low but steady.

Seunghoon leaves the living room with Seungyoon’s phone pressed against his ear and walks out to the balcony.

**“I haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing these days?”**

It's probably been almost two weeks. Maybe the longest Seungyoon has gone without seeing Jinwoo since he moved to Seoul.

**“Don't feel like talking? I guess you're still mad at me.”**

_Seungyoon isn’t._ He wasn’t even mad at Jinwoo to begin with but Seunghoon is not going to tell him that.

**“I thought about texting you, but the words wouldn't come. I have so much I want to tell you but I don't know how to put them to words.”**

A lamp post flickers in front of him. It was surrounded by moths that flew with wings drunk with uncertainty.

**“It's different when you're around, you always seemed to know what I wanted to say, as if you're reading my mind.”**

Leaning over the railing, Seunghoon stares at the moon. He is waist deep in bad habits, falling down rabbit hole after rabbit hole and this happens to be one of them.

**“I'm out somewhere with a friend. But I can't help but think about you.”**

A lump forms in Seunghoon’s throat, there's an aching for something that isn't there.

**“The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you talk.”**

A longing for something that has long been hollowed out from his body.

**“I admit it. I miss you."**

_It still hurts after all._

**“I'm not going to keep you on the phone much longer.”**

Nothing soft ever goes unbruised and him being more honest means bleeding in front of him.

**“Please call me when you're not mad at me anymore. I’ll wait.”**

Seunghoon ended the call. He promptly types in the password to Seungyoon’s phone, _Jinwoo's birthdate._ He checks the call history and without hesitation he deletes the last two calls that the device recorded.

It made him feel just like a _villain_ in a drama series and when Seunghoon closed his eyes, he _imagined_ sea water lapping at his chest. He swam further out, where it is deep, where he can drown. Maybe that will erase tonight's memory or maybe something unholy lurking on those depths can swallow him whole and never bring him back. 

.

.

* * *

.

.

**[PAST ARC / “But I don't want to be just friends.” ]**

The wind knots Seungyoon's hair while the warm glow of the setting sun clings to Jinwoo's face making him falter.

**“I don't want to be just friends.”**

They floated on the edge of a sunny day, Jinwoo’s peach colored hair shimmering under the sun, their bare feet on the sand as waves licked the shore.

The serene expression on Jinwoo’s face changed and after some time he finally spoke, **“I understand.”**

Jinwoo took a step towards him and lightly ruffled his hair. **“From now on, I’ll treat you as if you're my very own younger brother.”**

.

.

.

 **“I can't! That is just so funny! Jinwoo really told you that?!”** Seunghoon slung an arm around him. The older boy was still wheezing after having laughed so much that he almost had tears in his eyes. **“Give it up, Yoon! You already know you don't have a chance.”**

 **“Go away.”** Seungyoon replied primly. He felt stuffy and he knew that it wasn’t just from the tight uniform he wore.

He put his earphones on, set on listening to some music and ignoring Seunghoon the rest of the walk home from school but the other lad had other plans. He yanked the earphones out of Seungyoon's ears for another round of teasing.

 **“How much longer are you planning to drag this on?”** the older boy quipped, **“You were just joking around anyway. Nothing serious.”**

Seungyoon stopped in his tracks. He pushed the older boy off him and gave him a dark look.

**“Oh. What's with that face?”**

**“Not like you would know.”**

**“Know what?”**

Of course, Seunghoon wouldn't know. It's not like Seungyoon even fully understood what he was feeling either so how could he possibly begin to even describe it to someone else?

 **“Forget it.”** he pushed the other boy aside **“Just leave me alone.”**

 **“You're being weird, Seungyoon-ah.”** Seunghoon said following behind him with annoying superiority. **“If you keep this up, everyone's going to think that you're gay or something.”**

.

.

.

**[PRESENT DAY]**

He couldn't get the water to stay at a temperature that was just right. Seungyoon hisses softly as the water raining down his body gets too hot but it adjusts to the heat quickly and he soon begins to enjoy the tingling sensation the water brings.

He takes a deep breath before reaching over for a washcloth. After lathering it up with some soap, he starts to scrub away the dirt and grime on his skin. He scrubbed until every part of his skin was red and raw but no matter how much or how hard he scrubbed, there was still something clinging to his skin that refused to come off.

Seungyoon watches the water under him run down the drain. His hand finding its way between his legs, gripping and stroking the flesh there. He balances himself against the wall with one arm. Under the running water, his face scrunches in concentration and in ecstasy.

He imagines Jinwoo there with him, teasing him ever so slowly, fueling his hardness and making him slowly rock his hips. He adds speed to his hand, his breathing growing labored as Jinwoo completely took over his thoughts, taking him in completely. Seungyoon doubled his pace in urgency, imagining that it was Jinwoo’s body he was ravishing, skin slapping against skin. He clenched his eyes shut as he got closer to the peak of his release.

.

.

.

**[PAST ARC / “Can you close your eyes?” ]**

It was the last night Jinwoo was spending in this town. Come morning, he will walk out of the front door of this very house and not come back for a long time.

He could have chosen to stay. There is a decent college nearby where many of his peers will be attending but Jinwoo has his own set of reasons for wanting to be anywhere but here.

Unable to fall asleep, Jinwoo casts his blanket aside and swings his legs off the bed. It wouldn't hurt to go for a little walk outside, he figured, not caring about how deep the night is.

The sky above was dark and cloudy, a bit of bummer since he was hoping to see some stars tonight. He started to wander not far from his own home. The cool night air felt pleasant against his skin and he found it to be calming.

When Jinwoo reached the corner of his block, a silhouette in the dark caught his attention. He stayed still in his spot, trying to get a better look as it got closer and closer to him until he finally recognized it.

_Kang Seungyoon._

**“Just what is this kid doing here?”** Jinwoo muttered as he raised his hand and waved, making sure that he got his attention. 

**“What are you doing?”** He asks Seungyoon before he could even reach him. **“It's late. Go home!”**

Seungyoon only sniggered, giving him a look that he couldn't decipher.

**“I could ask you the same thing, hyung.”**

_Cheeky Brat._ Jinwoo couldn't help but reach out and pinch the other boy's cheeks with both hands.

**“Aren’t you too close?”**

Jinwoo chuckled softly, **“And so?”**

Seungyoon didn't retaliate. Instead, he snaked an arm around Jinwoo’s waist and pulled him even closer.

 **“Ya!”** Jinwoo couldn't help but exclaim, heat rising to his cheeks. **“What do you think you’re doing?!”**

 **“I’m just trying to commit everything about you to memory.”** a light breeze whipped the hair around Seungyoon’s face as he said it, **“Like the way you fit inside my arms so perfectly.”**

There was something about the way that Seungyoon said it that made Jinwoo wonder if the younger one is fooling around with him and sweet talking him as usual or if he is being serious with him right now. They stood there gazing at each other silently and the longer it went on, the stranger he felt and the more self-conscious he became.

 _It wasn't a bad feeling._ Jinwoo understood that much. But somewhere in the back of his mind, was a little voice that kept telling him that being with Seungyoon like this isn't right. He was so much younger than him and they're both boys too, strange rumors will surely fly. He awkwardly let go of the other boy's cheeks, not quite sure about what to do or where to rest his hands after.

 **“Can you close your eyes?”** Seungyoon leaned slightly, his warm breath and full lips lightly grazing the tip of his ear as he spoke, making Jinwoo’s heart race when it shouldn’t. **“Please, hyung.”**

Seungyoon had never looked at him this way before. At least, not in this proximity but something about being this close to him sent a light shock to unnamed nerves running through Jinwoo’s veins. Gone was the adorable boyish look that Seungyoon wore so well and that made Jinwoo want to take a step back, if not for the arms around him that prevented him from doing so.

_Why is it that whenever it comes to you, my heart feels one thing but my mind says another?_

The more Jinwoo thinks, the harder it gets. He couldn't even remember the last time he fell asleep without Seungyoon being the last thing on his mind.

Jinwoo nodded at him slowly and Seungyoon moved in closer, eyes never leaving his face even once.

Just for tonight, maybe Seungyoon will want him in all the terrible messed-up ways he's wanted him but could never ever say nor reveal

And with that, Jinwoo took a chance and closed his eyes.

.

.

.

Kang Seungyoon put the back of his hand over his cheek where it stung. Between them, a stray cat struts haughtily after jumping between them and scratching his face.

He turns to look at Jinwoo. _Some day, he will try again, when the timing is right._

**“Let's go.”**

Seungyoon stares at him, a little harder this time, wondering about what he's thinking about in that pretty head of his.

Jinwoo points to his own cheek and motions for him to follow. Seungyoon starts to walk behind him slowly, keeping his distance. He didn't want to make things even more awkward between them.

When they reached Jinwoo’s house, the older boy puts a finger over his lips and motions for him to be quiet. The side door located in the kitchen swings open with almost no noise. It was dark and quiet inside the house and Jinwoo led him by the wrist to the staircase - to the second floor where his bedroom is.

 _It wasn’t his first time._ He’d been there before on numerous occasions with their other peers, often to play games after school. But tonight felt different. It wasn’t only because of the late hour or because it was just the two of them alone in a dark room with a twin-sized bed. It was more because of how bare it looked with most of Jinwoo’s possessions already packed away in a couple boxes that were neatly stacked on the floor near the foot of the bed.

**“You’re really leaving tomorrow morning, huh?”**

Jinwoo doesn’t verbally respond. Instead, he pushes Seungyoon down lightly on the bed where he ends up sitting.

**“Stay here. I’ll be right back.”**

The door behind the older boy closes softly. Seungyoon’s eyes wander in the dark until they fall on the wall above Jinwoo’s now empty desk where the photos he took that used to be taped there have left their imprints. 

**“What are you looking at?”** Jinwoo's return startled him slightly.

Seungyoon shook his head, his eyes now following the other boy as he walked towards him.

**.**

**.**

**.**

He felt a stinging sensation on his cheek, as Jinwoo worked an alcohol doused cotton ball on the scratch that the wayward cat left on him, but he didn’t really mind, not when he can have Jinwoo so close to him.

And so, Seungyoon did the most that he could in that situation. He gazed at him from the corner of his eyes, appreciating every curve, every crease, and every mark.

**“Stop doing that.”**

Jinwoo evades his gaze, swallowing hard enough that his Adam's apple bobbed. 

**“Doing what?”**

Jinwoo's reaction made the corners of Seungyoon's lips curl. He couldn't help but find him so endearing and so damn adorable at the same time. If he could, he would grab him and just hold him tightly in his arms.

They stayed in that position for a while, the smell of rubbing alcohol hanging between them until Seungyoon shifted and turned his body to properly face Jinwoo on the bed.

 **“What are you trying to pull now?”** The older boy pulled back, eyes cautious, but he didn’t miss the pinkish flush on his cheeks now also blooming down his slender neck. 

Seungyoon met his gaze, heat creeping up his neck and filling his own cheeks. Pale moon, pale sheets, _Jinwoo’s pale skin._ There is the audible sound of a clock ticking time away somewhere.

_I like being so close to you. Especially, when we're alone._

He reached out for Jinwoo’s other hand and gently placed it over his chest.

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

**“Do you feel that?”**

There was something warm there, something alive, and something genuine. The moon watching them from the window cast its light on Jinwoo giving him an almost unearthly halo. 

**“Hyung, right now…”**

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

**“Does your heart feel any different from mine?”**

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

Seungyoon looked into the older boy’s eyes, begging him to understand.

After some time, Jinwoo pulled his hand away, and after saying something that didn't quite register in Seungyoon's mind, he left the room.

Knowing darkness surrounded Seungyoon and it was soon followed by a dull ache, and yet he still can’t help but be comforted by the lingering warmth of Jinwoo's hand over his chest.

_I know I can't have you._

_But that doesn't mean I’ll stop trying._

.

.

.

Jinwoo led him down the staircase in silence. The band-aid on Seungyoon's cheek felt foreign but his heart that was just kick-dropped into his stomach felt much worse.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, he heard Jinwoo say his name softly as he put his hand on his shoulder. Seungyoon couldn't help but shy away from his touch and walk ahead, his bated breath catches painfully in his throat.

 **“Can I...come closer?”** Jinwoo asked him so quietly that Seungyoon couldn't tell if he even heard him right.

Jinwoo's silhouette is illuminated by the moonlight that filtered in from the living room windows and for a moment, Seungyoon wished that he’d brought his camera so that he could take a quick snapshot.

Jinwoo took a couple steps forward and looked up at him, seeking permission.

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

How very unfair. That this person in front of him can instantly quiet his mind and confuse his heart so easily.

**“You grew up so quickly and now you're even taller than me.”**

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

Jinwoo seemed to relax as he pressed against him and placed his head near his chest. The organ that lives there beats erratically in Seungyoon's rib cage.

**“Eat well, sleep well, study hard, and listen to your mom.”**

Seungyoon smiled gently, his arms naturally coming to rest around Jinwoo’s waist.

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

Jinwoo looked up at him again, his hand reaching up to caress Seungyoon's injured cheek before moving to rest on his nape.

_If only time could stop._ Seungyoon held his gaze, mesmerized. Feeling a light pull, he felt Jinwoo’s lips press softly against his.

Seungyoon’s pulse quickened and his head exploded in colors at the contact. Lips to lips, chest to chest, heat and friction. _Kim Jinwoo was kissing him._

Seungyoon reciprocated hungrily, brimming with so much youth and yearning that he could barely contain them. Jinwoo’s lips were receptive against his, warm and soft and just as eager.

Lips open, tongues sliding, tasting, curling. It made Seungyoon’s heart pound harder than he’d ever felt it.

_It’s only Kim Jinwoo that can make him feel this way._

.

.

* * *

.

.

His hair is a mess, his round glasses almost sliding off his nose as his lips thin in concentration. He is on the bedroom floor with a sketchbook, haphazard strokes in charcoal fill the page. A sudden dislike of his own work grows in the pit of his stomach and it isn’t long until the page is ripped out, crumpled, and thrown aside like many others.

Mino sighed, running his charcoal smeared fingers through his dyed hair. He felt defeated. He just couldn’t seem to get anything right.

A knock on his bedroom door disrupts his thoughts.

**“Mino-ya, I’m home.”**

He quickly picks up his cell-phone from the floor and checks the time, startled to find that 6 hours has swiftly gone by without him noticing.

 **“Jinwoo hyung!”** he rushes out of the room, **“Sorry. I totally forgot.”**

Mino watches him close the rice cooker lid. He’s probably disappointed, maybe even pissed. No surprise there. After all, this is the _fourth_ time that he forgot. Even though he promised and even though he stuck a post-it note of it on his bedside table last night, just before Jinwoo left.

It wasn’t even that complicated. All Jinwoo asked for was for him to cook some rice before he got home from his photo shoot.

 **“Wash your hands.”** Jinwoo pats his shoulder with a grin as he passes him. **“I picked up some food on my way back so don’t worry about it and just eat as much as you want.”**

.

.

.

It was close to midnight and Mino was cooped up in his bedroom again. This time, he is flipping through his old sketchbooks hoping to find some inspiration between its pages.

In the background, Mino could hear the faint sounds of Jinwoo’s video game playing. He senses that something is amiss when he hears the opening music loop again for what might be the fourth or fifth time.

The lights in the living room were turned off when he stepped out of the room and his eyes almost instantly landed on Jinwoo in the dark. He was asleep on the couch, his game controller about to fall out of his hands. Mino approached him quietly. He muted the tv and gently took the game controller from his hands and set it on the coffee table.

 **“Four healing potions, please...”** Jinwoo mumbled as he stirred slightly. Mino froze in place as he waited for Jinwoo to settle down.

When the other finally seemed to have drifted off back to sleep, Mino carefully tiptoed back to his room. He resurfaces after a couple minutes with his sketchbook tucked in his arm and a pencil.

Jinwoo’s breathing was slow and rhythmic. The glow from the tv softly illuminated his features. Mino stared at him for a moment, he looked so young and angelic. Somewhere in his heart, it pained him to see Jinwoo like this. He settles down on the floor, opens his sketchbook and starts quickly tracing the outline of Jinwoo’s face and shoulders.

As the night grew deeper, Mino moved to shading in the angles and contours of the other man on paper. His fingers rubbed the edges of Jinwoo’s lips slightly to soften the line before moving to do the same with his eyes. For a second, a thought passes in his mind, a thought he knew would be best left unentertained. He puts his pencil down, looks at Jinwoo again and stares as shadows start playing across his face.

Mino knew that it won’t be long until Jinwoo rouses from his slumber and he really doesn’t want to be caught by him like this. He feels a little guilty, taking advantage of Jinwoo’s innocence but Mino figured that as long as Jinwoo never finds out, everything will still be okay between them. He lays a blanket over Jinwoo before sneaking back to his room to put the finishing touches on what he just sketched.

By the time he finished, it was well past sunrise. He ripped the page out of his sketchbook, hiding it away where the others are, where no other eyes can lay on them other than his own.

.

.

.

It’s rare for Jinwoo to go out but tonight seems different. Mino is in the living room watching tv as he waits for the other to finish. Usually, Jinwoo takes about 10 minutes to get ready but tonight Jinwoo had spent almost an hour just picking out what to wear.

 **“Are you almost done?”** Mino yells from his place on the couch where he has been channel surfing for the past hour.

Jinwoo doesn’t respond and Mino continues to hear shuffling sounds coming from Jinwoo’s closed bedroom door.

_Aish. Seriously. When are we leaving?_

Mino tosses the tv remote on the other side, leaving the tv on an infomercial that featured a handheld pressure washer.

**“Buy one, get one free! And if you pick up the phone and order now, we will give you all the attachments you see here along with these microfiber towels for just...”**

The door to Jinwoo’s bedroom door opened and Mino couldn’t help but let out a whistle when he saw him walk out.

**“What do you think?”**

Mino looks him up and down. Hair slicked back, tight dark jeans, a plain white tee, and a black leather jacket. He looked like one of those hot young movie stars in American movies and Mino couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed over how dangerously handsome he looked. Not to mention that he now felt very under dressed in his baggy shirt with holes and bright neon joggers.

**“I think I need to change.”**

.

.

.

Mino hastens his steps as he follows after Jinwoo as he disappears inside an Italian restaurant located in a touristy spot in the city. The pair almost ended up arriving late. Fortunately, they met a taxi driver that happened to know a shortcut and he was able to drop them off earlier than planned. By the time Mino makes it inside, Jinwoo was already being escorted by a waiter towards a table near the back of the restaurant.

 **“Your friends are not here yet?”** Mino asks when he finally catches up to him.

 **“Almost. I think.”** Jinwoo tells him. **“I’ll send a text.”**

He takes the seat next to Jinwoo and eyes the two empty seats across them. He doesn’t really know who they're meeting up with, all he knows is that they're Jinwoo’s friends from back when he was still in high school.

Mino decides to busy himself with the menus that the waiter left. He finds that the restaurant has a lot of different entrees to choose from and they also seem to have a good wine selection.

 **“Jinwoo-hyung…”** Mino's voice trailed off.

He was hoping to show the other a particular wine on the drink menu when he noticed that the vibe was off. Jinwoo seemed distracted and distant, his gaze darting between the phone in his hand and the front door of the restaurant every few seconds. It was mere minutes after that when a dashing pair arrived and made their way to their table.

The shift in Jinwoo's mood was evident. Mino stood back to give Jinwoo and his friends some space when they neared their table. Both are tall, young, and most definitely attractive. Mino thinks their small group could easily pass as a boy band, the kind that made teenagers lose sleep at night and open their wallets.

 **“Mino, these are my friends.”** Jinwoo tells him as they all take their seats.

 **“That’s Seunghoon.”** Jinwoo points to the guy now sitting across him, **“And this is Seungyoon.”** he points to the other guy taking the remaining empty seat across Jinwoo on the table.

Mino nods his head to acknowledge them. He reaches out a hand to Seunghoon first, who takes it and gives him a vigorous yet firm shake.

 **“Lee Seunghoon.”** His eyes turned into half-moons as he grinned. **“Pleased to meet you. Let’s get along well from now on.”**

 **“He’s a year older than you.”** Jinwoo elbows Mino slightly.

 **“Is that so?”** Seunghoon spoke casually and with interest, **“Call me ‘hyung’ from now on, Mino-ya!”**

Mino couldn’t help but break into a grin as well. Seunghoon seemed nice and spirited and he had no doubt that they would get along just fine.

He offers a smile and his hand to Seungyoon next who gives him a quick look-over and a barely there hand shake.

 **“I’m Kang Seungyoon.”** his voice was monotone, **“Jinwoo-hyung and I have been together since we were in high school.”**

Mino chuckled, it was almost as if he was trying to challenge him in some way.

 **“I see. You two are such good friends. I better do my best to catch up...”** their gazes locked, **“...now that Jinwoo-hyung and I are living together.”**

.

.

.

Mino spent the next hour conversing with Jinwoo and his friend Seunghoon between shared slices of pizza, bites of steak, and sips of red wine.

 **“So…”** Seunghoon suddenly leaned towards him as soon as Jinwoo excused himself to go to the mens room. **“How did you two meet?”**

Mino pondered for a moment, **“I saw a photo of Jinwoo-hyung in a magazine and I asked a friend who happens to work there if he can get me his number.”**

Seunghoon smiled at him curiously, **“What happened next?”**

Mino took a sip of wine before he spoke, **“I called him and he hung up on me. He thought I was a creep.”**

 **“Eh. Why?”** Seunghoon snickered.

 **“I asked him to be my model for a painting for an exhibit that I was participating in.”** Mino’s finger slides over the rim of his wine glass in recollection, **“I was really persistent that time. I even drove for four hours just to see him and he still rejected me.”**

 **“Aigoo~ You poor thing...”** Seunghoon playfully gives his shoulder a few pats, **“There, there.”**

Everything seemed to be going fine. At least, that’s what Mino wanted to believe. He steals a glance at Kang Seungyoon, who has barely spoken a word tonight. A shot glass filled with shimmering amber liquid sat untouched in front of him. Mino couldn't quite put his finger on it but there was something very familiar about him.

 **“How about you, Seungyoon?”** Mino turns his attention to him, hoping that he would join them, **“How did you meet Jinwoo-hyung?”**

He waited for him to answer but he remained silent. Mino knew simply from the way Seungyoon met his gaze that he was trying to assess him just like he is.

 **“I introduced them.”** Seunghoon’s response cuts between them.

 **“Oh?”** It was Mino’s turn to get curious.

Seunghoon poured himself another glass, **“Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn't have.”**

It could be the wine that made Seunghoon loose lipped or maybe Mino just heard it wrong but there was a certain bite behind his remark.

.

.

.

Another hour soon passed, beside him, a collection of empty wine glasses had steadily grown. Mino stared contemplatively at Jinwoo, wondering briefly how he can still remain upright and chatty after downing all that alcohol.

 **“Like I was saying, Mino-ya…”** there was a slight slur in his speech, his fingers wrapped around the almost empty wine glass precariously.

Cheeks flushed from the alcohol, there was something alluring in the way Jinwoo looked, in the way he spoke, and in the way he laughed incessantly at just about anything.

Mino couldn’t help but have the overwhelming desire to touch him in some way. His hand reaches out and lands on Jinwoo’s heated cheek, softly caressing the skin there.

**“Don’t touch him.”**

From across the table, Seungyoon's heated gaze pierced through him and it made Mino almost want to laugh.

He lowered his hand with intention to Jinwoo’s lips and slowly stroked the skin there with the pad of his thumb just to see his reaction.

A bottle of wine tipped as Seungyoon grabbed Mino's arm and pushed it away from Jinwoo. It was so easy to read him that Mino couldn’t help but release a chuckle which led to Seungyoon grabbing a fistful of his shirt.

 **“Seungyoon-ah...”** Seunghoon’s tone was gentle but his grip around Seungyoon’s wrist was far from it. Mino could tell from the veins that surfaced on his hand.

 **“I told you not to touch him.”** Seungyoon shook him with every word, no longer able to suppress his anger but Mino was not taken aback by his outburst.

**“And just who do you think you are to tell me that?”**

Mino's words seem to belt him across the face. Seungyoon looked at him with an intensity that made breathing harder before harshly shoving him, making him almost lose his balance.

**“Don’t talk like you know everything between us when you don’t know anything at all.”**

.

.

.

Jinwoo looked worse for wear. Mino tries to help him maintain his balance as he leads him to his bedroom. Mumbling something incoherent, Jinwoo stumbles and falls on the hardwood, taking Mino with him.

 **“Hyung, please get up.”** Mino sighed for the nth time, **“Your bed is just right there.”**

He turns on the lamp on the bedside table then tries to pull Jinwoo up from the floor again and with sheer luck or brute strength, finally manages to get him to his bed.

Nothing could describe his feelings of frustration right now. The night did not end well and he was dreading sun-up knowing that Jinwoo will likely not have any recollection of it and ask. 

**“Mino-ya, is that you?”** Jinwoo’s eyes squinted at him, **“Where’s Seungyoon? Where did he go?”**

_I-di-ot._

Mino placed his finger on Jinwoo’s forehead and gave him a light flick.

_Don't go looking for another man when I'm the one here with you._

.

.

* * *

.

.

Seunghoon stared up at the ceiling, watching as the ceiling fan above him slightly shook with each rotation.

Anger is such a complicated and terrible emotion to process. Even more when it doesn’t show itself and it continues to quietly burn under your skin.

He picks up his cell-phone from the coffee table and swipes through the photos in the gallery until he stops at a photo that was taken many years ago.

It was from Jinwoo’s high school graduation and in it was three boys beaming - Jinwoo was in the middle with Seungyoon's arm around him while Seunghoon towered beside them holding up a peace sign.

He doesn’t recall when exactly things changed between them but he had to admit that Seungyoon played a major role. Thanks to him, Seunghoon came to realize that he could _fall for another boy._ But unlike him, Seungyoon was honest about it and passionate while he satisfied himself with just watching the one he loved _from a distance._

Seunghoon recalled the first time he saw Jinwoo, he appeared to him like a mirage in the summer heat. He didn’t have a name for the emotions that threatened to spill from his chest at that time. All he knew is that Jinwoo is someone who instantly became _special_ to him.

It was around late autumn of that same year when he introduced Jinwoo to Seungyoon. He invited Jinwoo to a billiard hall where his group of friends were hanging out and that was the first time that he saw someone literally fall in love. He’d seen the sheen in Seungyoon's eyes from the moment he saw Jinwoo and he knew from the way his gaze lingered because he reacted in the exact same way.

He did not feel bitter about it at first but the closer the two got, especially when Seungyoon finally entered high school, the more he started to become more aware of his own feelings. It bothered him when the pair started spending time alone together and it irked him when he started to notice that the pair felt the same way about each other.

Seunghoon thought that things would change after Jinwoo graduated but he was wrong. From the day Jinwoo left for Seoul, Seungyoon made it his goal to follow him there.

He wanted to laugh over the miserable cards he’s been dealt with but he hasn’t even gotten to the best part.

As time passed, his feelings started to change until one day he woke up and started to see his other friend in a different light.

Ridiculous as it sounds, he found himself falling for Seungyoon of all people.

.

.

.

 **“It’s late. Where are you going?”** Seunghoon rubs the sleep from his eyes as he watches Seungyoon put his shoes on in the middle of the night.

Seungyoon doesn’t answer him. He doesn’t even look at him. When Seunghoon checked the time on his phone, it showed that it was 1:44 AM.

 **“You’ve really gone crazy.”** Seunghoon moved to block the door, **“I’m not letting you go anywhere.”**

Suengyoon didn’t seem fazed. He walked back inside the apartment and into the living room where the balcony is.

 **“What the hell is wrong with you?!”** Seunghoon almost trips over a rug in his haste but by the time he gets there, Seungyoon was already half way down the tree that was next to their balcony.

Seunghoon watches him as he jumps down to the pavement and starts running.

Getting no answer is in itself an answer.

_I'm losing you too and there's nothing I can do._

.

.

.

Jinwoo tossed and turned in bed. The sound of the rain pelting the glass window on the other side of his room was all that can be heard. He walked to the window and peeked through the curtains. Water droplets streaked down the glass and all he could see was pinpricks of light in the distance. He walked back to his bed and grabbed his phone that was charging on the side of it. 2:14 AM the numbers on the top right corner read.

His phone was on _silent_ so he didn't hear it ring but there were notifications for missed calls and a voicemail. Upon seeing that it was Seungyoon that's been trying to call him, he immediately played back the voice message.

**“Hey, um, this is my fourth call. I don’t know if your phone is dead but it keeps going to your voicemail. I’m...uh...standing at the corner where the convenience store is. I know that it's late but can I come by and see you?”**

Worry grew in Jinwoo’s chest and just as he was about to call him back, Seungyoon’s name showed up on the caller ID. He was calling him again.

 **“Hyung...”** Seungyoon sounded so winded on the phone and he could hear the loud pattering of rain on the background.

**“Is everything ok? Where are you?”**

There was a long pause and Jinwoo quickly checked his phone to see if Seungyoon got disconnected. Just as he brought the device against his ear again, Seungyoon's voice came through.

**“I’m outside. Can you come out and open the gate?”**

.

.

.

Seungyoon's dark hair was plastered to his pale face, his wet clothes clinging to his lean form, a sheepish smile on his face.

Jinwoo pulled the door open, just wide enough to let him slip through.

**“Stay there. I’ll be right back.”**

It was like some kind of _deja vu_. Jinwoo felt like he needed to escape so he went back to his bedroom to grab a towel and to try to calm the ruckus that had started in his chest that even the sound of the rain cannot hide.

.

.

.

 **“What brings you here?”** Jinwoo asked, rubbing Seungyoon's wet hair with a thick bath towel. **“Did something happen?”**

Seungyoon's hands slowly covered his own, stilling their movement. **“Nothing happened. I just wanted to see you.”**

A puzzled expression settled on Jinwoo's face, **“Did you come here after going out for drinks?”**

Seungyoon shook his head and chuckled and Jinwoo immediately shushed him.

**“Do I need to have a reason to come and see you?”**

**“It's past 2 AM.”** Jinwoo countered.

 **“So what?”** Seungyoon suddenly sounded a little annoyed, **“Is it because you have a roommate now? Are you worried about him seeing us together?”**

Jinwoo glared at him, **“Did you really not drink?”**

Seungyoon released a deep sigh. He pulled the damp towel off him and let it drop to the floor.

**“Sometimes I can't tell if you’re just being purposely cruel or if you're just really dense, Jinwoo-hyung.”**

Seungyoon took a step forward, his pale long fingers making slow work of the buttons on his dark wet shirt.

**“You’ve always been very good at pulling me in while pushing me away.”**

Jinwoo's heart throbbed, the feeling of guilt rising from his stomach but what overwhelms him more is Seungyoon unbuttoning his shirt with teasing slowness. He took a few steps back as Seungyoon's shirt landed on the floor.

**“It's so stupid. The way that I hold on to something that keeps hurting me but I can't let go because that something is all I ever wanted.”**

**“Seungyoonie…”** Jinwoo began in a whisper, voice cracking when he felt his back collide with his bedroom door.

He wanted to say something. _Anything_. But as usual, nothing came out. No matter how carefully Jinwoo selects his words, they all evaporate in Seungyoon’s presence.

**“I’m getting tired of having to constantly water down my feelings for you just so you wouldn’t feel like you’re drowning in it.”**

Seungyoon’s shadow fell over him and Jinwoo's skin prickled in warning at the sense of impending danger that he did not fully grasp until Seungyoon is upon him, looking down on him with dark almost raptorial eyes. Seungyoon's warm hands apply firm pressure on Jinwoo’s arms, making his limbs falter just like _that night._

 **“Hyung, I can't hold back anymore. If you don’t want this…”** Seungyoon paused, biting into his bottom lip as if trying to stop himself from saying the rest of his words, **“...please push me away.”**

 **“Seung…”** _Cold, full, and slightly chapped_ \- Seungyoon's lips brushed against his own so lightly that Jinwoo almost feared that he just imagined it and that made his heart ache even more.

 _This is bad._ All this time, Jinwoo thought that he successfully managed to lock away all his feelings but the lightest brush of Seungyoon’s lips seem to have found a crack and now there is a fluttering inside him that he feared he would not be able to contain.

Seungyoon dove back in, almost desperate this time but still tender and when Jinwoo felt him run his tongue unsurely over his lips, he couldn't help but surrender.

Jinwoo felt a new high and with his hands slightly shaking, he cradled Seungyoon’s face.

_He’s like a younger brother to me._

Jinwoo often used to say that resolutely about him and at one point he almost believed his own carefully selected words. But here he is again, _unable to stop,_ wanting Seungyoon in the most _unsibling-like_ manner.

_Just who is he trying to fool?_

He wanted to be held. He wanted to be touched.

He wanted to be his even though he knew this wasn’t right.

.

.

.

It was a thing of beauty, the way Jinwoo seemed to just melt into him as he slowly kissed him with care and with longing.

People always said that he seemed to be someone kind, calm, and collected. But in reality, he was the opposite of that when it came to his feelings for Jinwoo. Seungyoon loved him with the kind of intensity that burned him to the bone and just the mere thought of him could make his soul moan.

He helplessly rocked into him, angling his head so that he could explore him more and kiss him deeper. Almost like the night Jinwoo left for Seoul many moons ago.

He hasn’t been the same since. There is an entire life that Seungyoon has conjured in his head that no one knows about, where Jinwoo wore him like his _favorite grey hoodie._ A parallel universe where Jinwoo loved him as much as he loved Jinwoo.

Seungyoon wondered about the kind of feelings Jinwoo was holding on to as he reciprocated and he didn’t know how that made him feel but Jinwoo was holding on to him and _kissing him like a lover_ would and Seungyoon’s heart could only keep hoping.

He loosened his grip on Jinwoo then waited for a hard shove and maybe even a punch or two to be thrown in his direction but neither one came. Jinwoo's eyes remained closed, his body so supple as he arched against him.

 **“I should…”** Seungyoon managed to say between mere brushes of their lips, **“I should go.”**

Jinwoo slowly opened his eyes, lips glistening as he slowly drew away.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want this to lead into something more but Seungyoon wanted to _do the right thing._ He drew his thumb along Jinwoo’s lips, willing himself to not dive in again, no matter how much he really wanted to make a mess of him right then and there.

Jinwoo just stood there, frozen like a doll. It tore his heart to have to leave him like that but still he forced himself to turn away even though every fiber of his being seemed to be fighting it and telling him no.

 _This is the right thing._ Seungyoon kept telling himself as he took a step away from him, followed by another.

He wanted Jinwoo. _So much._

He wanted him in a _forever_ kind of way.

He didn't want to ruin him or hurt him with his raw and devastating need. It’s good that he was able to stop before losing control and not being able to turn back.

**“Can I...come closer?”** Jinwoo asked him so quietly that Seungyoon couldn't tell if he even heard him right.

He turned around slowly and Jinwoo took a few steps forward and looked up at him, seeking permission.

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

.

.

.

Seungyoon leaned in, swirling his tongue over a patch of skin on the side of Jinwoo's neck. He wanted to taste him, mark him, and savor him as he trembled beneath him.

He mapped a line of tender kisses along Jinwoo’s jawline, ever close to his lips, reveling in his low whimpers that only spurred him on. He was like a student eager to learn what would make Jinwoo moan, what would make him shiver, and what would make him arch in pleasure while his nails dug into his skin. 

Seungyoon carefully made a mental note of all his most sensitive spots. Nipping, licking, kissing.

His hands slide over Jinwoo’s warm skin, stoking the fire that burns slowly inside him, making him quiver. 

_I don't want anyone else to have you when you already have me._

.

.

.

Jinwoo could feel himself unraveling as Seungyoon hungrily crushed his lips against his, fingers sliding through his hair lovingly. The rain keeps falling and falling and Jinwoo is falling hard and fast too.

They barely made it to his bed and now he’s laying on the mattress with his skin humming as he gave himself over to Seungyoon’s tender ministrations.

Tingling heat spread over his body, every nerve coming alive, and Seungyoon was there to hold him, to anchor him in place and tell him that it’s alright.

Jinwoo’s heart is overflowing and for the first time in a very long time, he could finally be honest. He sought Seungyoon for another kiss, how many they shared tonight, he could no longer count. He clung to Seungyoon like a lifeline, fingers curling at his neck, their lips meeting over and over in the dark.

**“It stopped raining.”** Seungyoon’s breath felt warm against his flushed skin. Eyes still closed, their noses barely touching, they both sighed as they petered into slow languid kisses.

 **“I think we should also stop.”** Seungyoon told him softly, their noses barely touching, their lips reluctant to part.

Jinwoo was about to ask him _‘Why?’_ but before he could even do that, Seungyoon already supplied an answer.

**“I don’t want us to do something that one of us might regret.”**

A tender yet heart rendering expression settled on Jinwoo's face, **“Do you regret this?”**

Seungyoon shook his head and leaned in to kiss his forehead, **“I’m not talking about me.”**

Seungyoon stood up, leaving Jinwoo on the bed, away from temptation.

 **“You're not ready for this.”** he picked up Jinwoo’s shirt from the floor and tossed it to him, **“And I don't want to do anything that will hurt you.”**

He walked over to the window and pulled open the curtains revealing a sky that is slowly turning from indigo to lavender. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he just took what Jinwoo is offering at the heat of the moment.

_I lost it tonight. I realize that I have to be an even better man if I want to be someone who can properly stand beside you as an equal._

Seungyoon returned to the bed and sat beside him, **“From now on, I will stop calling you ‘hyung’. So, please...don’t look at me or treat me like a younger brother anymore.”**

 **“I told you this before when we were younger and I’ll tell you again.”** he tucked a stray piece of hair behind Jinwoo’s ear, **“I really, really don’t want to be just friends with you.”**

.

.

.

**“Seunghoon-hyung is going to kill me.”**

Jinwoo nodded his head slowly as they walked towards the gate, **“You kinda deserve it, to be honest.”**

**“And whose fault do you think it is?”**

Jinwoo simply ruffled his hair, **“See. This is exactly why I can’t help but see you as a…”**

His eyes widened as Seungyoon covered his lips with his own. There it is again, that warm feeling filling his chest and all he could do is give him everything.

 **“I told you not to say it.”** Seungyoon pouted when he finally pulled away and Jinwoo couldn’t help but be flustered. They were outside, in broad daylight!!

_How sly! This shameless flirt!_

Seungyoon started running before he could even smack him. Jinwoo stayed in front of the gate waving at him, planning to keep at it until he could no longer see him anymore when Seungyoon suddenly turned back.

 _Did he forget something?_ Jinwoo wondered as he watched him stop at the next block, a sunshine bright smile on his handsome face.

**“Kim Jinwoo!”** Seungyoon yelled to Jinwoo’s surprise and maybe his neighbors too, **“If you’re still not married when you turn 35, let’s live together! I will really, really, really, really take good care of you.”**

.

.

* * *

.

.

[TWO YEARS LATER]

**“Are you sure that you're not going to take the weekend off?”**

He nodded his head without looking, a box cutter in his hand as he leaned over a sealed box of what should be old camera lenses, as the label on the side of it read.

**“But what about the wedding… ”**

He suddenly gasped, blood slowly leaked out of an opened wood on his finger and dropped to the floor. The cut stung but he welcomed it, just for a bit the physical pain gave him a small reprieve.

**“Hey, what was that just now? Are you ok?”**

He stood up, a few plum petals wandered in from an open window nearby and they landed on his desk, right on top of a pale pink envelope.

**“It’s your decision to go or not to go but it’s best not to leave things unresolved for too long.”**

He picked up the envelope and turned it over, his eyes drawn to two things that were printed on it.

His own name, _Kang Seungyoon,_ written in a cursive font above the words that read, _‘You’re invited to our wedding.’_

.

.

.

Kim Jinwoo stared at his reflection in the full length mirror. His reflection stared back at him, looking somber despite what is supposed to be a very joyous occasion. The _Best Man_ approached him and tapped him on the shoulder, passing to him a small gray box with a bow on top.

Jinwoo raised a brow as he accepted it, **“What’s this?”**

**“It’s from the bride. Open it and see.”**

Jinwoo nods at him slowly, his eyes drawn to a small folded piece of paper tucked under the bow.

**“Jinwoo, are you feeling ok? You look a little pale.”**

He shifts his attention back to him and instantly stretches his lips into a smile, **“I’m fine. Just nervous.”**

 **“Take a deep breath and try to relax. There’s still some time.”** the _Best Man_ gives his shoulder a squeeze, **“I’ll see you at the altar.”**

.

.

.

When Jinwoo entered the wedding chapel, almost everything was covered in white. It reminded him of the wintertime but minus the winter chill since it’s actually summer. Sheer light fabrics in white dropped down from the ceiling and the aisle was covered with a thick blanket of white petals. Extravagant floral arrangements made of an assorted array of white flowers were on display and at the center of it all was a huge crystal chandelier. Jinwoo looked around in awe. Everything seemed to be just as the bride wanted it to be.

As he started to walk down the aisle, he saw a lot of familiar faces beaming at him. He tried not to make it obvious but he was scanning the pews hoping to see _a certain someone._

He takes his place near the altar. The wedding chapel felt stuffy and Jinwoo wished that he could loosen his shirt but he knew that the bride wouldn’t like that and she might just nag him about it later.

As he stood there waiting, Jinwoo couldn’t help but have a lot of thoughts as he observed the people around him. _If the people gathered there could wear their truth, will they show it off on their sleeve or will they wear it around their neck like a noose?_

The wedding march started playing and the crowd broke into excited whispers. Jinwoo turned around just as the double doors at the end of the aisle opened.

_The bride looked heavenly in white._

Jinwoo felt a twinge in his chest as she started to walk towards him.

It felt like he’s in two places at once. His body is here but his mind is elsewhere and his heart...he gave that long ago to someone who left him with too many could-have's and what-if’s.

.

.

.

**“Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”**

Jinwoo turned his head to look at those gathered there, his gaze eventually wandering to the closed double doors at the other end of the aisle.

.

.

.

The evening was getting deeper and conversations and drinks were flowing. Jinwoo puts down another empty glass on the table and wonders just how much more he needs to drink in order to pass out. A wine stain on the table cloth catches his attention, reminding him of his own skin being marked long ago by someone physically absent but always present in his mind.

He stares at the empty bottle in front of him and his distorted reflection stares right back. He doesn’t want to be reminded of him anymore but the more he tries to forget, the more he remembers. It’s always been like that with him for as long as Jinwoo can remember. 

The wedding guests took their merry-making to the dance floor and with the bride gossiping away with her bridesmaids, Jinwoo took the chance to quietly slip away.

He heads outside and aimlessly starts walking, pausing when he spots an empty wooden bench. He walked towards it, brushing away some fallen leaves before he sat on it. Reaching into his breast pocket, he takes out a carefully folded piece of paper.

He read what was written in it and couldn’t help but chuckle and at the same time feel let down. Feelings rose up within him along with so many questions that he might just never know the answers to along with so many untold thoughts.

His eyes. His smile. His voice. His hands.

_How long can he keep going like this?_

The days apart. The nights alone.

With only _loneliness_ creeping into his bed.

A tear slowly rolls down his face creating a path for others to follow. He missed him like he’s never missed anyone before. Jinwoo wanted to scream, these feelings and these thoughts, it was tearing him apart.

_‘I miss you’ is not enough. It could never explain how I feel when you're not here._

The paper crumples easily between his fingers before it is tossed.

Sober or drunk, there is this ache inside him that just won't go away.

.

.

.

Seunghoon stepped out of the shadows and picked up a small crumpled piece of paper that rolled in his direction. He turned his attention back to the person sitting on the bench, bathed in the glow of a nearby streetlamp.

_He couldn’t leave him alone after all._

Running a hand through his hair, he loosened his tie and slowly moved towards the bench.

If he remembers correctly, he was about 12 or 13 when his parents started to tell him about all the things in the world that could possibly hurt him. They warned him about drugs saying it will ruin his mind, they warned him about smoking saying it will ruin his lungs, and they warned him about drinking alcohol saying it will ruin his liver.

But his parents left out the most important one of all.

They didn't warn him about a certain boy who will break his heart.

**“If you don’t mind, can I sit next to you?”**

The person sitting on the bench turned his head to look at him, tear tracks glistening on his pretty face.

**“It’s been a while, Jinwoo-hyung.”**

There are some things in life that are so beautiful that they hurt and for Lee Seunghoon, Kim Jinwoo’s existence is one of them.

He remembers the feeling well because for the longest time, he was a boy who could only be honest about how he truly felt about him in his sleep.

**“Surprised? Were you hoping to see someone else?”**

Jinwoo gave him a close-lipped smile but didn’t provide an answer and Seunghoon was just fine with that.

They sat in silence for several minutes, just gazing at the night sky. Seunghoon glanced at Jinwoo after some time and studied his profile.

**“I loved you first.”**

Jinwoo turned his head to face him, his eyes luminous.

**“For a long time, I pretended that you're not someone special to me. So I just watched you from a distance and without saying a word, I loved you.”**

There is a familiar fluttering and a crash of waves inside him. Seunghoon was gripped all over again by a sense of how special Jinwoo still is to him. After all, he was the _first person he loved_ and he was the first love that he _lost._

**“But that idiot, he wasn’t like me at all.”**

Seunghoon crossed his legs as he continued, his lips curving into a bitter smile.

**“He was honest about how he felt about you when I couldn’t and he had the courage to hold you while I can only be afraid.”**

He noticed Jinwoo’s gaze drop.

**“You’re a mean one, hyung. You knew how we both felt about you but you continued to act like you didn’t know anything at all.”**

They slipped back into silence, one that seemed so full of far too many thoughts and unsaid words between them.

After some time, Jinwoo spoke. **“Hoon-ah, we haven’t seen each other in a long time...and that’s what you want to talk about?”**

Seunghoon closed his eyes briefly, gathering his thoughts, **“The older we got, the better we became at lying. Can’t we just both be honest?”**

Sometimes you have to break your own heart in order for it to recognize that it's time to let go.

 **“I knew just from the way that you looked at each other that there was no room for me. But what hurt the most…”** Seunghoon worried his lips.

 **“Is that you fell in love with Seungyoon too.”** Jinwoo finished for him.

The sudden revelation cut Seunghoon like a knife. He had been very discreet and was certain that it went unnoticed. Until now.

**“We're both living a lie. Hiding behind a round-the-clock smile. Why are you trying to comfort me when you're just as broken?”**

Seunghoon couldn’t answer. His heart raced and his mind drew a blank. 

**“I’m glad that you grew up to be brave, Hoon-ah.”**

Jinwoo smiled at him broadly and Seunghoon has always had a thing with the _dimple_ on his cheek.

**“Unlike me, you keep going and you choose every single day to move forward.”**

Seunghoon looked at Jinwoo’s hand that was resting on the bench and slowly covered them with his own.

 **“What the hell is wrong with me right now?”** Seunghoon reproached himself, his hand shaking.

Jinwoo intertwined their fingers in an effort to still them and Seunghoon felt so many unspoken emotions rush through him at the same time.

**“I'm sure it wasn’t easy...you know, holding on for so long. I’m sorry if Seungyoon and I ever made you feel like you're not enough.”**

He feels everything all over again. From the time they first met to the moment they are sharing now. He is the one Seunghoon gave his heart to first and he is the one that will hold a reserved spot in Seunghoon’s heart no matter how many new loves come along.

.

.

.

It felt good to have Seunghoon back.

They spent some time catching up and now they're back to where they started. Seunghoon is nagging at him and he couldn’t help but release a little snicker seeing just how much of Seungyoon has rubbed off on him. It’s not that surprising, considering that the pair lived together for quite some time.

 **“I care about your feelings, hyung.”** Seunghoon sounded serious, and looked so mature. **“If he makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to others.”**

**“I’m reaping what I sowed. I always made things so difficult for him thinking that he could never catch up but every single time I turned around to check, he’s always there, right behind me...but now, he's not.”**

Seunghoon sighed, **“I don’t know why you try to be heartless when the three of us know that that’s not who you are.”**

Jinwoo smiled weakly and looked up, catching a glimpse of the moon that was hidden behind some dark clouds in the night sky.

**“Does the moon stand a chance against the sun?”**

**“I don't see why not.”** Seunghoon followed his gaze, **“We won’t know until the moon tries.”**

.

.

.

**“Jinu-ya, where are you?! Jinu-ya?!”**

Seunghoon turned his head back towards the direction of the sound. The bride was coming down some steps and she was hiking up her wedding gown.

Jinwoo quickly sat up and after taking a few steps towards where the bride was, fingers curled around his wrist and firmly pulled him back.

 **“Don’t go.”** Seunghoon lowered his tone, **“It’s not too late, hyung”**

 **“Aish. What are you saying now?”** Jinwoo tried to pry his hand away.

 **“Runaway with me.”** Seunghoon’s grip on him got even tighter, **“Right now. I’m serious.”**

**“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”**

They've been spotted and that somehow made Seunghoon cringe.

The bride was getting nearer and nearer and it was evident in her stride and in her face that she isn’t pleased.

Seunghoon managed to pull Jinwoo behind him just as she stopped in front of them.

 **“I thought something might have happened to you! I was worried!”**

Their resemblance is still striking and Seunghoon’s cheeks burned in her presence when she took notice of him and started looking him up and down.

**“Seung...hoon? Lee Seunghoon?!"**

He isn’t thrilled to be recognized. If anything, he actually felt a little mortified. Back when he was younger, it was easier to say that he liked her rather than say that the one he really liked is her younger brother.

Seunghoon gave her a slight bow, **“It’s been a while, noona.”**

**“Omo! You grew up so well and so handsome too!”**

She turned her head a few times as if looking for something.

**“So...where’s the other one? That kid that used to follow my younger brother around.”**

**“He didn’t come.”** Jinwoo spoke up from behind him **“I probably won’t see him again.”**

**“And are you okay with that?”**

Jinwoo nodded, **“He’s probably better off without me and I’m probably better off without him too. Maybe it will take some time for us to get over each other or maybe we will never get over each other at all. Who knows?”**

With a slight grin, Jinwoo started to walk ahead, leaving the pair behind.

 **“How stubborn.”** the bride turned to look at Seunghoon, **“We don’t get to decide when feelings start or when they stop and it’s not like feelings leave as easily as people do.”**

Seunghoon placed his hand inside his pocket and pulled out the small crumpled piece of paper that he picked up earlier. He carefully flattened it out before reading what was written on it.

_‘If you love him, say so, be brutally, beautifully honest._

_Jinwoo, it's not a crime to fall in love with another man.’_

.

.

.

[ONE MORE YEAR LATER]

**“Is this the last outfit for this shoot?”**

The stylist lifts his arm while she busies herself with making a small alteration to the jacket he was wearing.

**“Why are you asking? Do you have plans after this?”**

**“Hmm, I’m meeting someone.”**

The stylist gasped and stared at him, **“Girlfriend?!”**

Jinwoo shook his head and chuckled, **“It's Mino.”**

 **“Mino as in Song Mino the painter, right?”** the stylist put his arm down and took a step back to check on her work, **“He mentioned you in an interview recently. He said that you two lived together during the time that he was having a slump.”**

 **“It just worked out that way.”** he turned around when she gestured for him to do so. **“His lease was coming up and I happened to have a spare room.”**

**“You must be going to the contemporary art museum then. I saw on the news that they're unveiling his newest work there.”**

The stylist lifted his other arm and tugged the material there, **“What was it called again? Alf... Aliro… Alfero..”**

 **“ALIFEROUS.”** Jinwoo supplied.

.

.

.

By the time Jinwoo pulled up at the contemporary art museum’s parking lot, a steady drizzle had started. The weather report mentioned it this morning but Jinwoo still managed to forget to bring an umbrella with him. The rain is expected to last for at least a week and will get stronger and heavier in the coming days.

When he finally makes it inside, he heads to the front desk to ask for directions. The front desk clerk grabs a printed map and circles where Jinwoo needs to go before handing it to him.

 **“The two of you must be really close.”** she said, staring at him with a smile.

Although slightly taken aback, he manages to smile back.

**“Ah. He’s a good friend. We go way back.”**

As he wandered inside the museum, Jinwoo noticed some people staring at him and whispering. He even caught a couple of them pointing at him. As far as he could tell, nothing seemed to be amiss but people rarely stare at someone without a reason.

Jinwoo tries to ignore the onlookers by hurrying to the hall where Mino's work should be. There seemed to be a lot of people on that floor and Jinwoo briefly wonders if they're there for the same reason he is.

Truth be told, he has no idea about the piece that's currently being featured. Even though he visits his studio frequently, Mino won't let him see it and ridiculous as it sounds, he promised not to try to look at it either...until Mino gives him permission.

He looks back to that time when he came over to Mino’s old apartment and helped him pack just before he moved in with him. At that time, Mino’s canvases were all almost empty. Some had light sketches and that was about it, except for one that was leaning against the wall.

It's large size instantly caught Jinwoo's attention and so did the splash of red paint on its center. It was still wet when Jinwoo tried to touch it and even though Mino said that he was leaving it behind, he came back for it that same evening.

Now that he thinks about it, there was a canvas in Mino's current studio that's about the same size and with a similar shade of red. When he visited him about two months ago, Mino had it covered with some vinyl but one corner of it was not and Mino got very flustered when he pointed it out.

A small vibration disrupted his thoughts. Jinwoo takes out his phone and sees a text notification from Mino.

_‘Hyung, sorry but something urgent came up so I won't be able to see you tonight.’_

It was followed by four sobbing emojis. _How dramatic._

Jinwoo types up a quick reply and pushes send.

_‘That's fine but you owe me dinner.”_

.

.

.

Jinwoo started to walk slowly, admiring the other paintings hanging on the wall as he made his way towards the hall. The closer he got there, the more interest he seemed to garner. People are no longer being discreet and they stare and point at him openly. Noticing his discomfort, a curator approached him.

**“Are you here to have a look at Mr. Song’s newest painting?”**

Jinwoo nods, still wary of the people observing him.

The hall was large and it took a couple turns before Jinwoo finally laid eyes on Mino’s work.

The canvas was suspended in the center of the room and in it was his younger self with the most striking fiery crimson wings and an almost blinding golden halo atop soft peach colored locks.

**“It took Mr. Song two years to complete this and it seems that he wanted this piece to represent a friend who was a shining existence to him during the darkest moments of his tumultuous career. At the same time, this seems to be his human representation of a phoenix - signifying the cycle of transformation, death, and rebirth.”**

The other him in the canvas seemed so invincible that it almost made Jinwoo want to kneel. There was something divine yet very human about it. A strange sensation filled his chest the longer he gazed at it. 

**“Would you happen to know what the word ALIFEROUS means?”**

Jinwoo shook his head, unable to tear his gaze from the other him in the canvas. It was a foreign one and he didn't bother to look it up.

**“The word itself means winged or having wings. Do you perhaps have something that is holding you back and you want to be free from?”**

A certain someone came to mind and Jinwoo bit down on his bottom lip hoping that the sensation can distract him from the other feelings that are now trying to surface.

**“Judging by your expression, it looks like there is something and Mr. Song seemed to have picked up on it too.”**

The curator took an envelope out of his inner breast pocket and presented it to him.

**“Mr. Song said that I will know who to give this to as soon as that person enters this room.”**

Jinwoo took the envelope from him and opened it. Inside is a one-way plane ticket, an old photo of his younger self, and a small note with an address.

_‘Hyung, it’s about time that you acknowledge what you've been missing. Take your wings and go. You know your heart.’_

.

.

.

Mino watches Jinwoo as he leaves the building and walks back to his parked car. To him, he is like a flower pushing out of a crack of concrete. Someone so beautifully out of place that you can't help but be drawn to him.

**“That night I felt like I eavesdropped on a conversation I shouldn’t.”**

Mino lowered his gaze as Jinwoo's car left the lot. He remembered that night clearly because he was watching the rain fall, unable to fall asleep, when he saw Jinwoo come out to open the gate for someone.

He thought about stepping outside the room to see what was going on until he recognized who the other person was.

Upsetting as it was to admit it, Mino knew that he'd be fighting a losing fight. From the start, no matter how much Jinwoo tried to deny it, there was no mistaking who truly held his heart.

**“That’s what you get for lusting after art. The sooner you let go, the less it hurts.”**

Mino turned to look at Seunghoon. He was laying on his side in a chaise lounge flipping through a coffee table book about European sculptures and damn, his legs sure are long and he’s so annoyingly good looking.

 **“Talking from experience?”** Mino tried to tease.

Seunghoon put the book down. He sat up then walked out to the balcony where Mino is.

 **“The two of you were meant to meet.”** a light breeze ruffled Seunghoon's hair, **“Just not meant to be together.”**

Mino closed his eyes and breathed in, _that seemed about right._ And somehow, it sounded comforting hearing it from Seunghoon.

**“Looks like we were all just a bunch of kids chasing love like a fool, not knowing that it’s going to hurt more than a skinned knee does.”**

.

.

* * *

.

.

It took Jinwoo about four hours to get there. A small idyllic seeming town by the sea where time seems to have stopped. He heads down one of its narrow streets, this one stretching all the way out to the sea. Mom-and-Pop shops along with a few fairly old small buildings lined the street.

He stops in front of an ice cream parlor and bells jingle as soon as he opens the door. Inside it was retro-styled complete with a checkerboard tiled floor.

 **“Oh. I haven’t seen you here before.”** A lanky teen wearing a bright blue t-shirt said to him from behind the counter 

Jinwoo moves closer, **“I came to see a friend.”**

**“Staying here for a while or just passing by?”**

Jinwoo draws a blank. He hasn’t thought things out that far yet.

 **“Sorry if I’m asking too many questions. Not too many new faces around here.”** the boy grinned at him, **“So, what would you like to have?”**

.

.

.

Jinwoo asks for a single scoop of strawberry cheesecake ice cream and the boy behind the counter hands him a double scoop on a chocolate dipped waffle cone.

 **“I’m giving you an extra scoop for free so I hope you come by again.”** Jinwoo nods as he takes his change from him.

When Jinwoo stepped out into the streets again, he was hit by a warm pocket of air. Overhead, seagulls cried as they flew out towards the waves. Ice cream in hand, Jinwoo decided to head straight to the sea from there. 

The sea sparkled like a multifaceted jewel and it seemed to just stretch on and on for miles. Jinwoo savored the sea breeze that ruffled his hair while he ate his rapidly melting ice cream under the sun and looked out. At the end of the pier, a couple of old men cast a line in pursuit of a good catch.

Once he finished his sweet treat, Jinwoo slipped off his shoes and carefully made his way down some rickety wooden boards meant to serve as a make-shift staircase. The sand felt warm under his feet as he ran towards the shoreline, chasing after the receding tide.

.

.

.

Jinwoo returns to the street after God knows how long, dripping wet and with a waterlogged phone. His shoulders shake in silent laughter. He came all the way here and now he can’t even turn on his phone to get the address to where he needed to go. He looks up after a moment of aimless walking and finds himself in front of a sun bleached bungalow with equally sun bleached tables and chairs spread out in front of it.

**“If you keep walking around like that, you will cause an accident.”**

A wizened woman remarked, she was fanning herself by the door.

Sensing an opportunity, Jinwoo puts on a smile in response and heads towards her.

**“I’m looking for someone. Can you help me?”**

.

.

.

Jinwoo isn’t exactly sure about what he’s expecting but standing in front of a small photo studio with a sign hanging on the door that reads CLOSED is not one of them. Disappointment surges through him, settling more firmly the longer he sat by the door and waited.

_Seawater filled his lungs as another powerful wave crashed against him, pulling him under. His vision is darkening and the sea is unforgiving. Desperately he struggled, hands reaching out to a faint glimmer of light somewhere above but it seemed futile, the cold embrace of the sea engulfs him over and over and it won’t be long until all of him turns into sea foam and disappears._

It was dark when Jinwoo came to, his eyelids felt so heavy that he couldn’t open them. There is an insistent pounding in his head but there is also someone’s soft caress, warm gentle hands that seem to know the contours and planes of his face.

Jinwoo leans in, it’s been so long since he felt these hands on him and if this is a dream then please, don’t let him wake up.

.

.

.

The sun was just about to set when Jinwoo finally managed to open his eyes. He is in someone else’s room, on someone else’s bed, and the space next to him is empty.

His mind feels oddly quiet and the late sun's rays diffuse through fluttering white curtains giving everything it touches a warm golden hue. Jinwoo slowly gets on his feet and leaves the room, pausing halfway down the staircase when he hears the unmistakable sound of guitar strings being strummed.

He finds Seungyoon sitting on the kitchen counter, murmuring soft melodies as he fills the air around him with sweet chords. The warm rays of the setting sun cast his face with a delicate glow and Jinwoo couldn’t take his eyes off him. 

_After all this time, it's still you._

It _hurt_ to see him. To have him _so close_ yet so out of his reach.

.

.

.

Jinwoo leans back in his seat, hands shaking a little, as he wraps them around a mug of tea - too much nervous energy. The reality of the situation now settling in his mind. It had been easy to get up this morning and decide to come here but now that he’s sitting in front of Seungyoon, a good three feet away, he feels like he’s being smothered. 

**“Are you okay?”** Seungyoon seemed to notice his distress, his hand reaching out to touch Jinwoo’s forehead, **“You still feel a little warm. Do you want to continue resting upstairs?”**

Jinwoo shook his head, **“I don't know how to look at you…”**

 **“What's that supposed to mean?”** Seungyoon took a sip of his tea, worrying his lip after.

Jinwoo can't help but be riveted, wondering if they're still as soft as he remembers. Seungyoon’s lips are the only ones he's ever really known.

**“Is it because I changed your clothes?”**

Jinwoo's brows furrowed a little. 

**“I couldn't possibly leave you wearing those wet clothes.”** Seungyoon placed his mug down on the table and stared at him, **“Of course, I had to take them all off.”**

It's a good thing that Jinwoo has not had a sip of his tea yet because he was certain that he would have spat it out at that.

He stared down at the unfamiliar shirt that he had on and was instantly mortified.

.

.

.

Jinwoo doesn't know what time it is but he's been laying down in Seungyoon's bed for unknown hours unable to sleep. The sheets, the pillows, and the blanket smelled like him and it was driving him mad.

Seungyoon insisted that he stay the night rather than at a 'Bed & Breakfast’ nearby.

Knowing that it will likely be another sleepless night, Jinwoo rises from the bed and stares out the window. From there, he can see the distant shore and watch the waves repeatedly crash against the rocks with incredible ferocity.

The space between him and Seungyoon is just like the dark sea before him, _turbulent_ , and Jinwoo doesn't know how he could possibly overcome such treacherous waters and swim across.

A slight disturbance from behind him makes Jinwoo turn his head towards the bedroom door.

 **“I thought you'd be asleep by now.”** Seungyoon stood there, **“Is it ok if I come in?”**

Jinwoo nods and Seungyoon seemed to approach him with caution.

 **“I just wanted to check your temperature.”** he procured an oral thermometer from his pocket and showed it to him.

Jinwoo crossed his arms, **“I feel fine.”**

**“Really?”** Seungyoon stepped closer to him, **“Then why do you look flushed?”**

Jinwoo gives in and snatches the thermometer from his hand. It's best that he doesn't give him the chance to start nagging.

It took a little over a minute for the device to let out a small beep. Seungyoon takes it out of his mouth to check.

 **“Still a little higher than normal.”** he looked at the digits on it and didn't seem pleased, **“I’m worried that it will go up again in a few hours.”**

The moon highlights the contrast between Seungyoon’s dark locks and pale skin. 

**“Then just stay here with me, in case anything happens.”**

The air between them suddenly feels heated. Seungyoon bites into his bottom lip as he stared at him, other than that Jinwoo has no idea what he’s thinking. He knew that he was being coy, but he felt that they both needed a reason in order to justify what he hoped Seungyoon also wanted.

 **“I don't think that's a good idea.”** Seungyoon turned away as he said it and Jinwoo felt his heart sink.

**“I’ll be downstairs. Call for me when you need me.”**

Seungyoon’s hand lingered on the door knob long after he closed the door. _Something has changed._

It's been three years and Jinwoo is here with him without notice and Seungyoon finds himself terrified of suddenly being given permission to take. 

_If you do that, I won't be able to hold back._

.

.

.

Another hour passes, Seungyoon heads upstairs bringing with him a bowl of chilled mandarin jelly and a spoon. He read somewhere on the internet that this is good for those recovering from a fever and since Jinwoo is still up, Seungyoon figured that he might as well have some.

Jinwoo was sitting up in bed when he entered the room, **“What is it now?”**

Seungyoon walks over to him and hands him the bowl followed by the spoon.

**“You want me to eat this? At this time?”**

**“You’re still not sleeping so you might as well. Besides this is supposed to be good for you.”**

Jinwoo seemed reluctant, maybe even annoyed, but he started to eat the jelly anyway.

Seungyoon tries not to focus on the way Jinwoo’s lips closed around the spoon or the way he would slowly lick his lips as he ate. His self-control has been tested enough today and his palms have crescent indents from his nails pressing too hard against them.

 **“Do you want to try some?”** Jinwoo asked, pushing the half eaten bowl of jelly towards him.

 **“You should eat it all.”** he pushes the bowl back, **“I’m good.”**

 **“Not even a little?”** Jinwoo scoops a piece and it cutely jiggles on his spoon.

 _I guess a little is fine._ Seungyoon concedes.

He turns to face Jinwoo, expecting to receive a spoon of jelly but Jinwoo had other plans, he leaned in and claimed Seungyoon’s lips instead.

The taste of citrus permeates Seungyoon’s mouth and his pulse pounds as Jinwoo’s lips move perfectly with his, as if they’re telling stories about how much they missed each other. Lost in the moment, Seungyoon drowned in his sweetness, over and over.

.

.

.

 **“I’m sorry.”** Seungyoon slowly pulled back, Jinwoo’s lips are now a shade of red and his eyes on him are dark and inscrutable.

A long silence passes between them, somewhere not so distant the waves roll in.

It’s almost as if the two of them are halfway out the sea, alone on a dinghy without its oars, the waves growing more tumultuous around them.

 **“I still want you.”** Seungyoon was the first to speak between them, **“But not like this.”**

Jinwoo’s lips stretch into a smile for some reason but he doesn’t feel happy and his vision is becoming hazy.

_I want you too. I’ve never not wanted you._

He doesn’t talk to Seungyoon about how he really feels about him and before this he never even planned to, and that’s the problem. He knows what he wants to tell him but he could never seem to actually say them.

He turned to look at Seungyoon, his eyes on him are soft like they always are, and Jinwoo’s tears started to escape despite his efforts to hold them back.

_I love you...but I don't know what to do._

Jinwoo wanted to tell him but alas, his lips remained in a thin line.

The sky turned into a dark matte canvas and all the stars went out as drops of rain gently tapped against the window pane. Lightning briefly set the sky alight and the low rumble of thunder soon followed after. 

_Shipwrecked._ Jinwoo feels himself being pulled under dark treacherous waters.

But his struggle doesn’t last long.

He finds safety in Seungyoon’s arms that gently wrap around him, anchoring him and pulling him close and he finds serenity in his strong steady heartbeat as he laid his head against his chest. Seungyoon’s fingers card through his hair, carrying him back to the shore - beyond the reach of the waves until his breathing evens out into peaceful slumber.

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

.

.

.

The room was quiet when Seungyoon stirred. Morning has come and dust motes swirl lazily through the warm sunbeams. He turns to his side and finds the space next to his empty and it instantly wakes him up and makes him jolt out of bed.

The first thing Seungyoon does is panic. His bare feet pound against the hardwood as he hurriedly ran out of the room and rushed down the stairs.

Jinwoo suddenly appeared at the bottom, hair wet and wearing nothing but one of his old t-shirts.

Seungyoon’s heart stutters and he nearly misses a step just as the kettle on the stove starts to whistle.

 **“Did something happen?”** Jinwoo eyed him with mild curiosity.

Seungyoon flushes a little and shakes his head, his hand coming up to calm the tempest in his chest.

_Thank God, it’s not a dream and he’s still here._

Seungyoon’s lips curve into a dreamy smile as Jinwoo moves through his kitchen with ease - like he belongs there, in this quaint sun bleached house near the sea - and when he asks Seungyoon how much cream and sugar he wants in his coffee, Seungyoon can’t help but get a giddy warm feeling in his stomach.

**“Is there a phone repair shop around here?”**

Jinwoo walks over to him and hands him his coffee but Seungyoon doesn’t take it.

 **“Did I not make it right** **?”** Jinwoo asked.

Seungyoon shook his head and simply pulled him into a tight embrace. He takes a deep breath, reveling in the clean scent of his own shampoo in Jinwoo’s hair. 

_He’s really here with me. This is real._

Seungyoon missed holding him in his arms like this. As always, Jinwoo is a _perfect fit._

The sound of his phone going off ruins their moment. Jinwoo pulls away from him and moves to the other side of the kitchen while Seungyoon begrudgingly heads to the living room. He left his phone on top of the coffee table the night before.

**Lee SH:** _Jinwoo-hyung has not returned any of my calls since yesterday._ **ㅜ_ㅜ**

**Song MH:** _Same. Seungyoon-ah, you better not have done anything weird with him!_

Seungyoon ran a hand through his hair and muttered under his breath, **“These two idiots…”**

**Lee SH:** _Lmfao. Sorry we didn’t say anything._

**Lee SH:** _Were you surprised??_ **♪┏(・o･)┛♪┗ ( ･o･) ┓♪**

**Song MN:** _It’s my ‘thank you’ for letting me use your photo as a reference for my painting._

**Lee SH:** _He’s reading but not replying…_ **( ﾉ ಠдಠ)ﾉ︵┻━┻**

**Song MN:** _Probably busy..._

**Lee SH:** **( ˘ ³˘ ) ♥ (˘ ε ˘ )**

**Song MN: (⁄ ⁄ >⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄) **

**“Work?”** Jinwoo asked from behind him and Seungyoon turned, startled. He presses the phone into his chest, effectively hiding the screen.

**“Just Seunghoon-hyung and Mino.”**

Jinwoo raised a brow, **“You talk to Mino? I thought you two didn’t get along.”**

 **“Seunghoon-hyung brought him here with him to help out. Around the time that I was fixing this place up.”** they returned to the kitchen, **“He turned out to be a nice guy.”**

**“Have you seen his new painting?”**

Seungyoon nodded and touched his lips, his heated gaze made Jinwoo’s skin tingle, **“But the real thing is so much better.”**

He flushes hard at his compliment and tries not to engage. 

**“I was surprised when I saw it. Even more when I realized that you let him use your photo.”**

Seungyoon’s gaze is still on him when he takes a sip of his coffee. 

**“You purposely lost a round of billiards so I had no choice but to dye my hair peach.”**

_It looked good and I really liked it on you._

**“Then we went to the beach and you made a fuss on the train back about not having enough film.”**

Seungyoon’s mind travels back to that one summer when they were teens and he got his first taste of heartbreak. He didn’t really care all that much about the film since he also brought a digicam with him that time. However, it was easier to pretend that he was upset about it rather than at Jinwoo who was so dense that he didn’t realize that Seungyoon had just confessed to him and that he quickly rejected him. _How frustrating._

Jinwoo’s response to his confession that time still haunts him to this day.

_‘From now on, I’ll treat you as if you're my very own younger brother.’_

.

.

.

It was a little after 10 AM when they dropped off Jinwoo’s waterlogged cell phone at a local computer/phone repair shop near the pier. They both doubt that the device can be salvaged but Jinwoo had some things in it that he was hoping they could still recover. 

The shopkeeper put on his glasses as Seungyoon handed him the device. He turns it over in his hand a few times then puts it down on the counter before reaching for the receipt book.

**“I can’t make any guarantees but I’ll see what I can do.”**

Seungyoon takes a copy of the receipt from him and promptly puts it in his wallet for safe-keeping.

It’s a weekend and the streets are filled with people both local and visiting. The shops in the area had a vast variety of seafood, local crafts, and fresh produce on display.

An elderly vendor selling some fruits suddenly grabs Jinwoo by the arm and leads him to her stall, offering him some sliced up fruit. Jinwoo makes small talk with her as she slices a ripe peach that she insisted he try.

 _Come, here._ Jinwoo motions to him and as always, Seungyoon followed.

The next few hours passed by in a blur as they went in and out of different shops browsing. By 2 PM the two of them were absolutely famished and Seungyoon decided to take Jinwoo to a small cafe that he frequents near the boardwalk.

The place was packed when they arrived but fortunately, a small table two opened up minutes after they arrived so they were able to get seated immediately. Seungyoon settles on a spicy chicken sandwich and an iced vanilla latte with extra ice while Jinwoo goes for a hot hazelnut latte and smoked salmon with avocado on a multigrain toast.

Seungyoon starts eating the moment the food arrives while Jinwoo stirs his latte with a soft contemplative look on his face.

**“Is something the matter?”**

Jinwoo just smiled at him and shrugged.

**“If you don’t start eating your food, I just might.”**

Jinwoo responds by pushing his plate of salmon avocado toast closer to him.

Seungyoon chuckled, **“You want something cold don’t you?”**

He pushes his iced vanilla latte towards Jinwoo, angling the straw so that he can take a sip.

Just then, his phone rang. Seungyoon takes it out of his pocket and upon realizing that it’s a client, he tells Jinwoo to wait and leaves the table. The call goes on a little longer than he anticipated, Seungyoon watches Jinwoo from a distance. A female server approached him and they talked for a bit, minutes later she returned and placed something on the table in front of him.

 **“Sorry.”** Seungyoon tells Jinwoo when he returns to his seat.

Jinwoo grabs a napkin with something on it off the table and slips it into his pocket.

Seungyoon knows he shouldn’t feel this way but his possessiveness when it comes to Jinwoo is not a new feeling. Jinwoo starts eating his food from across him and it doesn’t escape Seungyoon’s notice when he finds the female server watching him.

.

.

.

They decided to take a little walk down the boardwalk after their meal and the sound of a dog barking caught Seungyoon’s attention. A large dog was splashing in the white water below as it chased its owner around. He stops and looks over the wooden railing for a while, watching the pair play some kind of ‘tag’.

 **“Hey, are you ok?”** Jinwoo lightly tapped his shoulder.

 **“I’m just a little sleepy.”** Seungyoon lied, watching the sea churn below.

 **“Should we head home?”** Jinwoo suggests, **“You can lay in bed and take a nap. Also, I can make us dinner tonight.”**

It hurts when Jinwoo says things like that when there is no promise that he will still be there with him tomorrow or the day that follows after that. Seungyoon longs for permanence. Just the thought of Jinwoo staying by his side and the two of them living together until they grow old fills his chest with the most wonderful lightness.

Seungyoon turned to look at Jinwoo, he already found the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with but it looks like Jinwoo's mind still needs more time to catch up with his heart. Even though they never said it to each other, it was something that they both knew. After all, Jinwoo is like the moon - he always kept a part of him well hidden.

The remainder of their walk home is quiet and when they reach home, Seungyoon immediately heads upstairs to his bedroom. He’s not in the mood to do anything other than lay in bed. Jinwoo kept his footsteps quiet as he followed after him and approached the bedroom door.

 **“Come In.”** Seungyoon says, the bedroom door creaks open and Jinwoo slips in.

 **“This isn’t some kind of dream, right?”** he told Jinwoo who stayed standing by the door, **“I don’t know if I just miss you so much, to the point that I’m going crazy and I’m imagining you’re here with me.”**

The room is suddenly too quiet and it almost seems like they are in some kind of vacuum. Seungyoon left the bed and started walking towards him.

**“Does the moon stand a chance against the sun?”**

Seungyoon rests his hand on Jinwoo’s shoulder and leans down, kissing and sucking on a sensitive spot on his collar that he knows so well from his memory.

**“Have you not thought about how the moon can block out the sun?”**

.

.

.

The sunset seemed to set the sky ablaze as the golden sun bled through different shades of orange and red. Jinwoo returned to the beach by himself, the tide is now coming in rapidly, swallowing most of the sand.

He rolls up his trousers and lets the water swirl around his ankles. Gulls fly overhead and with each successive crash of waves against the rocks, his clothes grow wetter and wetter from the sea spray.

 **“You coward!”** Jinwoo screams to the sea as the tide recedes, **“You know you love him and you don’t want to lose him but you still won’t do anything!”**

The sea responds with another set of waves followed by even more sea spray.

_If he makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to others._

He looks at the sky again, watching the sun gorgeously retire. The sea takes on its color making it appear as if the water is also on fire.

_Take your wings and go._

The sea and the sky seemed to tell him and when Jinwoo closed his eyes he imagined himself cocooned in fiery red feathers, just like those in Mino’s painting - _a phoenix._

 _If you love him, say so, be brutally, beautifully_ honest.

.

.

.

Seungyoon wakes up to an empty house. Beside him, on top of his pillow, a small note fluttered into the sheets.

_I’ll be back._

_\- Jinwoo_

He stares out his bedroom window, the sky is now a dark red color and the sun will soon be completely engulfed by the glittering sea. Seungyoon tries to scan the crowd of sunset watchers below, searching for the face of the one he pines for.

He eventually finds Jinwoo in a secluded spot on the beach, where the rugged sea-worn cliffs are. A breeze ruffles his dark hair as little pinpricks of light twinkle and light up the pier behind him.

 **“What are you doing here?”** Seungyoon can’t help but feel color rise to his cheeks.

Jinwoo’s hair is damp and his clothes are so wet that they cling to his frame and are now semi-transparent. Seungyoon quickly unbuttons his button down shirt and drapes it over Jinwoo’s shoulder

**“Let’s go home. I’ll prepare a warm bath for you.”**

Jinwoo turned to look at him, a melancholic expression caressing his beautiful features.

 **“I’m going back to Seoul in two days.** ” his lips curl into a faint smile. **"I need to tie up some lose ends so that I can do things right this time around."**

The _end_ was always present and no matter how far back he pushed it in his mind, it still caught up to him.

 **“I see. Come home safe.”** he tells Jinwoo, _‘even if you’re not coming home to me.’_

Seungyoon was prepared but it still hurt. He'll wait for Jinwoo, no matter how long it takes. He was watching the tide lap against the sand when he felt Jinwoo press lightly into his side. 

**“Can I be your family?”** Jinwoo’s voice was soft but his words pierced through him.

Seungyoon turned to face him, his breath coming up short in his own lungs as he watched the mix of emotions swirling in Jinwoo’s eyes. 

**“I want to be the one next to you when you're happy and when you're sad, in sickness and in health, until our bodies grow weak and our hair turns grey. From this moment and until my last breath, can you let me be the one beside you?”**

Seungyoon dimly registers the trickle of his own tears.

Jinwoo takes his left hand and slowly slides a thin red band on his ring finger.

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

His hand comes up to stroke Jinwoo’s cheek, his heart bursting at the seams. There's an intimacy in Jinwoo's silent affirmations that Seungyoon craves. Slowly he takes Jinwoo’s hand and places it over his chest and after a few moments he places Jinwoo’s hand over his own chest.

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

Silence settles between them but the warmth in Jinwoo’s eyes tells him otherwise. 

**“Your heart beats the same as mine. I knew from the moment I first held you in my arms, you were meant to be mine.”**

There's this strange gravitational pull between them that's always existed for as long as he can remember, and right now that pull is getting stronger and stronger, as if all the galaxies in the universe conspired and finally decided that it's about time. 

Seungyoon leans in and kisses Jinwoo gently. He feels warmth course through him with every brush of their lips. His head spins, his heart races, his stomach flutters. Jinwoo opens up to him like a blossoming flower.

The waves continue to crash against the sand, two hearts roaring. Now more than ever, he wishes he could freeze time so that Jinwoo never has to leave his embrace ever again.

**“I want to hold you and touch you. I want to rub my soul against yours and make all the stars jealous as they watch love make us.”**

Seungyoon holds up his left hand as the last remnants of the sun disappear from the horizon.

On his left ring finger is a bright red bread tie twisted into a simple ring. 

.

.

.

_If you are someone’s home, no matter how far they wander, they will always find their way back to you._

-


End file.
